Fred M. Apgar has written a memoir of his time serving in Laos during the Vietnam War and his return to that area more than 40 years later. The title is Return to the War on the Plaine Des Jarres. In today’s post, Fred describes what prompted his return – a compelling personal story. You can find more information on Fred’s Facebook page.
Throughout the history of warfare, those who were exposed to the trauma of combat, in addition to the physical injuries they may have sustained, also experienced lasting emotional wounds. Each, in their own way, sought ways in which to cope with the physical and psychological “injuries” they had sustained.
After completing their deployment in Southeast Asia, many Vietnam War veterans returned home to face an indifferent and hostile nation. For some, the stigma of having served in an unpopular war made it difficult to assimilate back into society and presented them with significant challenges. It seemed as if our nation was unwilling and unable to provide the support our veterans so desperately needed to heal both the physical and emotional wounds they had suffered.
For me, I found a simple means to address the ambivalent feelings I experienced regarding my personal involvement in the war. I repressed them. I compartmentalized my life, focusing on graduate school, a career, and a growing family. Any thoughts and feelings I had regarding the rectitude of the cause to which I had devoted one year of my life were banished from my mind. Or so I thought.
For no apparent reason, as the years passed, distant memories of the war slipped back into my conscious thought. As if by design, events, three in particular, led me to the realization that my year of flying combat missions in the skies of Northern Laos had shaped and defined me as a person. It was an identity I had sought to suppress for so long. Those three events were transformative and led me on another incredible life-changing journey to Laos.
Officially, it is called the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, but to those who care and understand, it is simply, the Wall. To date, I have visited the Wall four times. My first visit occurred in 1989, seven years after the memorial had been dedicated on Veterans Day, 1982. The impact of that first visit to the Wall was powerful. As I approached the memorial, I immediately stopped in my tracks. Ahead of me stood two huge black walls that met at an angle. The pathway led slightly downhill. It was a sight of magnificent beauty, but I hesitated moving forward, not sure if I was prepared to “experience” the Wall. I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of grief, sorrow, and guilt. I cried.
I looked at the Wall, saw my reflection among the names, and felt a powerful connection to the past. With my left hand on the smooth black granite surface, I dropped to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. Years of repressed thoughts gave way to a flood of memories and feelings. I was overcome with grief and sorrow for those who never returned and those who were broken by the personal hell of their combat experience. I also felt anger and resentment towards those who had vilified Vietnam Veterans. It was a mix of emotions but one I embraced. The Wall is a sacred, stunning, simple, and magnificent tribute to the ultimate sacrifice made by more than 58,000 courageous warriors.
Another significant event that led to my awakening took place in November 2003. My local community unveiled and dedicated its newest addition to the Town’s Veterans Plaza. The new addition features bronze plaques that lists the names of town residents who served in Southeast Asia during the Second Indochina War.
The keynote speaker for the ceremony was Lt. General Frank Libutti (USMC, Ret). Addressing those who had worn the uniform, General Libutti indicated: they served with honor and courage in the best military tradition of our great nation; our nation will be forever grateful for the sacrifices they made; they should be justifiably proud of their service; and the nation owes them a debt of gratitude that can never be fully repaid. The most memorable of his remarks, however, was when General Libutti spoke directly to Vietnam Veterans. His simple and powerful message was, “Welcome Home.”
That simple phrase was transformative; it was cathartic, liberating, and greatly appreciated. I had never heard those words before. That simple greeting expresses so much that is important to a generation of service men and women who never received a public expression of thanks or appreciation for their service. Those two words mean there are others who understand and who care. Those who had served in “that place” and left a part of themselves in “that place”, understand.
Upon my retirement in 2007, I moved to Mill Creek, Washington and became a member of VFW Post #8870 in Edmonds. On the morning of 4 July 2008, I gathered with my comrades to line up for what would be my first parade. The impact was immediate. Once the fire trucks officially started the parade, our VFW unit stepped off. To my amazement, with hundreds of American flags waving, spectators stood up, clapped, and cheered. And then I heard the words, “Thank you for your service.” That was the first time I had ever heard those words. Those gestures of respect and thanks continued along the mile-long parade route. That wonderful reception was unexpected, humbling, and very much appreciated. I was overcome with emotion by the wonderful gift from those patriotic Americans. The sunglasses I wore hid my tears.
I was being led on a journey by Him. It should have been obvious to me years before. I needed to Return to the War on the Plaine des Jarres in search of that part of me that had been left behind.
Many thanks, Fred for sharing such a personal and powerful story.
Return to the War on the Plaine des Jarres by Fred M. Apgar
Fred Apgar’s new memoir, Return to the War on the Plaine des Jarres, tells the incredible story of one man’s journey from the battlefields of Laos during the Second Indochina War to his return to those same battlefields more than forty years later.
During his year-long deployment to Southeast Asia, Fred Apgar served as an Air Intelligence Officer in the United States Air Force. Assigned to the 7th Airborne Command and Control Squadron (7ACCS), he flew 116 missions in the skies of Northern Laos, code-named Barrel Roll, in support of the CIA’s so-called “secret war.”
Starting with the survival training he received at the PACAF (Pacific Air Force) Jungle Survival School in the Philippines, the author provides detailed descriptions of the duties for which Air Intelligence Officers were responsible and recounts the establishment, recruitment, and training of L’Armee Clandestine, the CIA’s “secret army.” Also discussed are topics such as the Rules of Engagement (ROE), search and rescue operations (SAR), intelligence gathering methods, road watch teams (RWT), unconventional warfare, and insight regarding the infamous Ho Chi Minh Trail.
In 2014, the author returned to the battlefields and secret war of Laos. His book details his incredible journey as he met and interacted with many Lao and enjoyed their hospitality, traveled along the very same trails, roads, and rivers used by the Hmong, North Vietnamese, and Pathet Lao as they maneuvered to engage each other in battle, and visited some of the remote airfields (Lima Sites) and caves that played such prominent roles in the war. During his emotional journey, he was humbled to be among the ghosts of Barrel Roll, walking in the footsteps of the Hmong warriors where they fought, suffered, and died.
Return to the War on the Plaine des Jarres is a story of self-discovery that brought a great sense of fulfillment to the author. His greatest gift was given to him by total strangers, the blessing of Brotherhood, Forgiveness, and Redemption.
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M.K. Tod writes historical fiction. Her latest novel THAT WAS THEN is a contemporary thriller. Mary’s other novels, THE ADMIRAL’S WIFE, PARIS IN RUINS, TIME AND REGRET, LIES TOLD IN SILENCE and UNRAVELLED are available from Amazon, Nook, Kobo, Google Play and iTunes. She can be contacted on Facebook or on her website www.mktod.com.
2 Responses
Such an important story and events that happened mostly out of our view and knowledge but so importantly impacted our generation. Sounds like a great book illuminating this part of our murky history.
Agreed!